valentines day music tips

Music for Valentine’s Day – a Practical Guide

When it comes to setting the mood for a night of romantic nudge-nudge wink-winking and general boudoir canoodling, music can play a vital role. Get it right and you’ll be singing in perfect harmony. Get it wrong and you’re Milli Vanilli with your dilly, dallying.

Here are 10 musical mishaps to avoid in the bedroom this Valentine’s Day:

1. No vinyl.

It may look cool and sound lovely but just try getting your moves on to the eternity of formless crackles and pops that lurk at the end of every Side A ever.

2. No R Kelly.

No Sex Planet. No Bangin’ the Headboard. No means no.

3. No scratched CDs.

Don’t be an idiot, check for scratches. A skipping CD is like skipping foreplay.

4. No cassettes.

It may be hip but having to wind 37 metres of no-wave slow jams back into a tape with a HB pencil mid-coitus is a sure fire mood killer.

5. No d&b

No d&b, no grindcore, no screamo, no dubstep, no death metal, no musique concrete, no industrial, no speed metal. No happy (ahem) hardcore, no BPMs over 200 full stop.

6. No iPod shuffle.

Going from Barry White to Black Skinhead, or Sampha to gabba will see your lover disappearing to watch Tattoo Fixers on E4 +1.

7. No gangster rap.

Bitches and hoes are a no-no as are gunshots and skits.

8. No live CDs.

Spontaneous uproarious applause during sex is the dream for many of us, but when its from an audience of thousands in 1970s Hamburg, it’s not quite the same.

9. No indie.

Nobody gets down to skinny boys who smell of Lynx Africa and rejection, hand-clapping into an eight-track in a bedsit somewhere up north.

10. No to songs with sex noises.

That means no Connan Mockasin. No Madonna. And definitely no J’Taime.

 

This piece was originally published at Something You Said

Header image via George Eastman House on Flickr – no known copyright.