disappointing birthday party with clown

Disappointing Birthdays – ages one to sixteen

One year old

No memory – disappointing.

Two Years old

No memory – disappointing.

Three years old

My parents hire a clown.

Four years old

I fall off the bouncy castle and break my wrist.

Five years old

Leon shits himself in his LYCRA superman suit.

Six years old

Eleanor goes into anaphylactic shock – the cheese puffs were made of peanuts, apparently – an ambulance arrives and everyone is in floods of tears.

Seven years old

My mum cuts my fringe before the party and I hate it – I hate her for doing this to me.

Eight years old

Gareth calls my dad a cunt.

Nine years old

My mum organises a game where you have to eat doughnuts without licking your lips, and we all do it, and it’s so hilarious and we’re all laughing, and then later I hear Alicia saying to Cass that it was babyish and we weren’t in nursery anymore.

Ten years old

Kirsty breaks my CD player and we have to listen to my dad’s cassette collection – we play musical statues to the Best of Bread and I want to die.

Eleven years old

We are on a family holiday in Greece and my drunk fake uncle gets the restaurant to sing happy birthday to me even though no one speaks English.

Twelve years old

I buy some cheap hair mascara from Superdrug and it turns my hair the colour of diarrhoea.

Thirteen years old

Lisa wears the same top as me and refuses to change it, even though she only lives around the corner.

Fourteen years old

The table for Nando’s was booked for me and my eight best friends – no parents –  I talked about it casually every day for a fortnight but then my dad goes and loses his stupid job and I have to ring everyone the day before and tell them it is off.

Fifteen years old

I vomit Kiwi Mad Dog 20/20 out of my nose and it burns, burns like my love for Damien, who doesn’t even know I exist.

Sixteen years old

I get my first scratch card and I win – £1000 – I do an embarrassing dance around and around the community hall, high-fiving everyone, until my grandad with a shiny two pence and his glasses on his nose slowly but beyond doubt reveals my mistake.

 

Header image via Levi Saunders on Unsplash

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About the author

Tom Spooner

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